don’t cry in public

i’ve moved to portland. i’m here.
at this very moment i sit on a sofa at Fuel Cafe, and leonard cohen plays in the air (isn’t it amazing how we can play music and it’s invisible as air? we feel things and we can’t see it)
i’m really just so happy. i am trying not to sprinkle tears, so i wipe a little from the corner of my eye and pretend there’s something in it. oh dear, don’t cry in public!

things i’ve committed to memory already:

that time we snuck into the grotto and lit candles and that time we all did christian magic in the prayer closet and the time we rode bikes in a caravan and i laughed so hard i almost fell down

blessings are coming

do you ever have moments in life that are so intensely wonderful and joyous and hopeful that you just say to yourself “is this my real life?!”

5 days from today i’ll be in Portland, Oregon. living a new life. new joys, new sorrows (hopefully limited to one a month), new blessings, new knowledge, new NEWNESS, things i can’t even imagine. so much freaking delicious goodness is on its way that i can’t even know what it is right now… i just know it’s on its way into my life.

and i need my heart to stretch in preparation. because it’s hard to accept good things… it’s easier to accept the bad. and that sucks, it’s terrible that we humans do that! so i’m going to get some buffet pants for my heart and with every beat that says “i am I AM I AM… ALIVE ALIVE ALIVE.. I LIVE I LIVE I LIVE I LOVE I LOVE I LOVE” i’ll stretch my heart and make room for more and more goodness. cause it’s a freaking all you can eat blessing fest.

 

STRETCHY HEART PANTS (figuratively speaking) FOR ALL YOU CAN EAT BLESSING.

hard travl’in

Somehow i feel goodness now when i don’t get what i want. It’s almost like fewer and fewer things can hurt me. And it’s not an idea or attitude, it’s actually a change I’ve noticed.

I have softened my expectations…. Not sure if that means i’ve resigned to pessimism or whatever that looks like (like when people say shit like “grow up, life is never fair”..hmm no, thats not me) .

and i don’t feel like i’ve neglected my heart in any way… i guess i don’t have the right words for it, as i can’t make sense of why i’m ok with things not going the way i want them to sometimes.

somehow there is now an ease when things i want don’t happen. Perhaps its wisdom of the temporary vs. permanent shining through. Perhaps it’s a lesson in timing. Gain is no longer gain and loss is no longer defeat.

When things don’t happen I know it’s for a reason (usually unknown for sometime, if ever at all). And to a goal oriented all-or-nothing individual such as myself, accepting a task/goal as unfinished/unmet would never, ever feel good.

…What does feel good nowadays is the way I feel 15 seconds before falling asleep, when I’m just praying in the dark, in the quiet, in my mind, and I feel like I’m in a cozy fort with some ONE Holy. it’s a real familiar feeling and presence, even though i sleep alone.

but the whole feeling good when things go wrong… that I don’t understand. maybe wrong should have quotes around it, cause it’s what i perceive to be wrong. so… when things go “wrong”.

Strange behavior, Olga Lukomsky. Strange ideas, Olga Lukomsky. Are you giving up? Growing up? Wisin’ up? oh shit, is this Apathy?

Paradigms are shifting.

i want to touch your elbow, Lord

lord! take possession of me!
i pray i would not protect myself against the impact of your love
but be foolishly joyfully taken by you.
i pray for the courage to expose myself to you.
i pray to become unconsiously naked before you.
trust issues and all.
take me and make place for me in your will.

there’s a heaven, and there’s a star for you

I think if we got the chance to see/experience heaven, we wouldn’t want to spend even one more minute here on Earth.

 

I’ve read things, and heard testimonies in my childhood church of people that have seen/experienced Heaven… and they just talk about it in a dreamy way, trying to convince the rest of us how nice it is. If I saw Heaven I would cease all  human duties and performance; I would flip out until I could be back there. I’d want life here to end to be there. It’s the ultimate place, how can people that have been there be just a little less than excited?  You go to a place where Gods face, Gods FULL glory is revealed… and you respond by writing a paperback, or doing a tour of U.S churches? come on.

So, from now on I don’t believe anyone that says they’ve seen/been to heaven… because none of those people seem to long for it so bad that everyday here on Earth is meaningless until they are there. I’m actually a little angry right now that I ever did believe those people/stories. And I forgive myself for thinking “shit, heaven sounds kind of boring.  i don’t want to sing hymns for 3 weeks at a time…but this lady saw heaven, so it must be that way. i need to redefine ‘fun’…” 

I came to this conclusion through my own definition of “synecdoche” (meaning a figure of speech to represent a part of a whole). I redefine Synechdoche to go beyond figure of speech, and apply to all things. So, for example, if I can experience grace towards another human being, how much MORE grace does God have? Surely, God is not less gracious than humans are! And if I can love and forgive someone that has abused me, betrayed me, and stabbed my spirit… if I can love and forgive THAT, how much more can God do it? It’s the idea of us reflecting Gods image, and seeing the tiny elements of God and his nature in our own… and projecting it to a comprehensive level, but with complete perfect, immutability, sovereignty, and the purest of Love. 

So in this case, if I can long for something good here on Earth. Longing for  something so much that some days are hard, and I can’t wait for said thing/place/experience/person/feeling… how much MORE would we long after seeing Heaven (the ultimate of ultimates). I’m having a hard enough time talking myself into waiting for earthly things, how could anyone talk themselves into living a difficult human life for x amount of years, after seeing heaven? 

 

I did dream of heaven once, but it was a giant metaphor and totally personalized, and the feeling I go from the dream was probably just .0001 % of a feeling I’ll feel for .000000025 seconds while in heaven. That’s how rad and perfect it is up there. I’m grateful for the dream. It was a real thing, but not the real heaven… which is gracious, cause I’d most likely leave this planet if I ever saw what’s behind the curtain.

 

And on another note.. how could that lady have told my church “the flowers in heaven are the prettiest you’ve ever seen”… and THAT’s supposed to get me pumped and believing and influence my waking life on Earth? Bull shit, lady. If heaven is what it is, you’d be in agony every second of your life until you were back there. Heaven isn’t something a Disney cartoon can replicate. Singing flowers? BFD.

 

This also shows the mercy of not seeing heaven in our living lives… we just wouldn’t want to live here anymore. It’d be like when people say they left their heart somewhere and life isn’t the same… it’d be that way, but 1000,1000100100101 % more.

 

I think I’ve proved my point. I’m beating it to a pulp because I’m mad I ever believed people telling me about their heaven experience. They made it boring, I felt guilty for thinking it was boring, then I doubted its existence… but tonight when I saw the moon, and I felt longing for something that’s coming up… well, things just made more sense.

hey, look, its 2:38 a.m….

Maybe only Dogs have seen heaven, and thats why they are so happy when they see us…? because they are trying tell us? Oh, curious mind of mine.

The Blood the blood

not even noon on a monday morning, and i’ve already has an entire hour of being shit on. 

Lord, how are we supposed to deal with disappointing our parents?
Lord, how can I explain that “I know want to know G_d” to a parent whom is convinced otherwise? 

I am”the only unbeliever” in a family of believers. 

The price of knowing God… I didn’t think the price had to be paid within our own families. I thought that was a safe place. I thought you put the lonely in families, not make the lonely in a family.

God, can I ever express all my love for You?
God, can I ever express all my love to my family?

God will I always be misunderstood, mis-colored, misread, and mistreated like this?
Yes. Oh Father, Have Mercy.

How can honoring God bring so much dishonor to a family?
I have shamed them. I have become an embarrassment.
I have brought tears to the mothers, and disgraced the name of the fathers.

Oh Father, Have Mercy.

Oh, how they have wept for me,prayed for me, turned away from me, loved me, resented me, forgiven me, rejected me.
Oh Father, Have Mercy.

I live intentionally. But I am “deceived by the world and directionless”
I live in celibacy, but I am “the worst of the whores”.
I live to know You, but I am “a sinner, unforgivable, and lost”.
I reject consumerism and the snares of modern culture, but I am “ silly, lazy, and immature”.
God, I pursue Your Truth, but I “live in lies, for lies, in love with lies”.
Oh Father, Have Mercy.

What have I done but lived? The Blood of Christ, the Blood of Family.

Oh Father, Have Mercy on us.

 

 

When did I last go to church? When did i last take communion?
Oh, if they only knew how much I live to revive my soul and make it One with You.
If they only knew the tongues I pray, and the sins I commit.
If they only knew my struggle, my true shames that you have sent away. My sin, cast as far as the East from the West.
Oh Father, Have Mercy.

Perhaps, they would not be wrong.

For I am a sinner, shamed, unworthy, and guilty.
But you have set me Free. But you have Forgiven Me. But you have Mercy on Me, a miserable Sinner. But you have Grace. But You are Love.

Oh Heavenly Father, I Shame my Family in Wanting to Know You.
Have Mercy on me, a Miserable Sinner.

 

Amen. Amen. Allelujah.

lamentations can be good.

the wealth of spiritual poverty
the poverty of spiritual wealth…

lets pray for Him to be awe-fully close today.

this morning i was walking to the MAX and the sun hadn’t quite risen yet- the sky was not looking as spectacular as the rest of this week… but for some reason i just blessed it- ‘this day is yours, and you did good already’. when i got to the Failing foot bridge i just freaked out, the sky cracked and God kind of just oooooozed out. purples, reds, whites.. i looked around, made sure the coast was clear, then i jumped and jumped for joy and sang sort of loudly.

its weird, because we know that its going to happen, we know the sun is going to rise. sometimes i just assume things might not be spectacular.

i need to bless it anyway.

bless it anyway.

and then jump and sing.

 

 

when the coast is clear… ish.

the discipline of the secret

today after work i have just stopped in at a little cafe really close to my house… i have this thing on my heart, that i just really really need to experience God.. like right now. i don’t know exactly where to go, or what to do, but i didn’t want to go home directly.

in someways i feel very hungry for Him, and in other ways i just feel fine, but i just want to be near him, converse with him, hang with him… i feel so preoccupied… and i have little patience left for myself in my preoccupation.

and that lack of patience is showing up all over in my life right now. it leaves me quite frustrated.

i just ate all the foam off my cappuccino with raw sugar sprinkled on it.

a nice treat that i feel like barfing up…

i feel like just spending time with Him has become difficult. like i don’t know where to go for that time anymore…

lord, help me, i’m searching for you.

are you searching for me too, lord?

 

discipleship classes are starting up for me very soon… i am really looking forward to it for alot of reasons.. one being that i get a mentor, another being i get the information i’m seeking and tools to use. but i know disciples have it hard.. so i know i too will have it hard.

i am already looking at some difficult questions… questions that i know no answers to.

how can i follow you, when i can’t even find you?

i know you are in me- there you are

but somehow i just want to find you in a special place…

meet me in montauk.

freedom in security.

“The Lord passed through the world, a figure of light and truth, sometimes tender, sometimes violent, always just, loving, effective, but not insecure. “If freedom is in thought, word, and action,” wrote Kahlil Gibran, “he was the freest of all men.” A word, a gesture, a few syllables traced in sand, a command like “Come, follow me!” and destinies were changed, spirits reborn, hearts filled with joy. Jesus walked on the water almost inadvertently; he chatted with Samaritans, prostitutes, children. He spoke to them of truth and mercy and forgiveness with never a shadow of insecurity darkening his countenance.

One who trusts in the Lord knows that by clinging to a miserable sense of security the possibility of transparency is utterly defeated. Just as the sunrise of faith requires the sunset of our former unbelief, our false ideas, our erroneous and circumscribed convictions, so the dawn of trust requires the abandoning of our craving for material and spiritual reassurances. Security in the Lord Jesus implies that we neither calculate nor count the cost any longer.”

But i have stilled and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.
psalm 131:2

this was my reading from brennan manning yesterday.. and i wish that i read it yesterday…
my soul, it groans within me… waiting for your hand to move.

sometimes i need more patience.
sometimes i need more confidence.
sometimes i just need more answers.
sometimes i just need to spend more time with Jesus.

i hate to cling to a miserable sense of security.
i hate to miss Jesus when he is close enough to catch the kisses i blow to him.
i hate not knowing what to do.

somehow i think Jesus likes it.
somehow i think Jesus likes me.

There is nothing like the death of a friend.

Bitter words tug at my heart. 

The juice of my roots, the sap of my skin. 

I wish it weren’t so, but it happens more often then I’d like-

 the plain saddness of what comes along with the realization-

of what’s inside of me

of what’s wrong with what I’ve done.

That I could kill

That I could be the one with the pressuring hand

Pushing through revolving doors

and coming full circle with the loneliness.

Can I expect too much?

Can I smother?

I wonder not, anymore, why the stars are amazed at.

They ask nothing.

They seek no pleasure,

nothing in return.

But I,

I expect the world.

And am found empty handed, once again.