Somehow i feel goodness now when i don’t get what i want. It’s almost like fewer and fewer things can hurt me. And it’s not an idea or attitude, it’s actually a change I’ve noticed.
I have softened my expectations…. Not sure if that means i’ve resigned to pessimism or whatever that looks like (like when people say shit like “grow up, life is never fair”..hmm no, thats not me) .
and i don’t feel like i’ve neglected my heart in any way… i guess i don’t have the right words for it, as i can’t make sense of why i’m ok with things not going the way i want them to sometimes.
somehow there is now an ease when things i want don’t happen. Perhaps its wisdom of the temporary vs. permanent shining through. Perhaps it’s a lesson in timing. Gain is no longer gain and loss is no longer defeat.
When things don’t happen I know it’s for a reason (usually unknown for sometime, if ever at all). And to a goal oriented all-or-nothing individual such as myself, accepting a task/goal as unfinished/unmet would never, ever feel good.
…What does feel good nowadays is the way I feel 15 seconds before falling asleep, when I’m just praying in the dark, in the quiet, in my mind, and I feel like I’m in a cozy fort with some ONE Holy. it’s a real familiar feeling and presence, even though i sleep alone.
but the whole feeling good when things go wrong… that I don’t understand. maybe wrong should have quotes around it, cause it’s what i perceive to be wrong. so… when things go “wrong”.
Strange behavior, Olga Lukomsky. Strange ideas, Olga Lukomsky. Are you giving up? Growing up? Wisin’ up? oh shit, is this Apathy?
Paradigms are shifting.
