with all my might…

“ If only I can preserve, not to falter in spirit, and preserve the strength and purity of my heart.”

Trust

…and I get it.  You can’t have complete intimacy without trust.  The horrible, nasty, (and diabolical) thing is, trust is only built when things are shaky.  You can’t have trust when there is nothing to trust about.  That’s why I know I’ll love this time in my life, eventually.  I’ll be able to look back and say, See?  I chose you when it didn’t make sense and I never looked back.  It was the right choice.  You were the right choice.  But I always feel like we go back to this black hole everytime something new happens. 

I don’t trust you with everything.  I don’t know why.  I wish I did.  After all our history, after all we’ve been through together, I had hoped that this black hole would have been filled by now.  At least, I hoped to be able to point back to our story and feel my feet on something solid.  But if I’m honest, I am so scared.  I thought perfect love cast out fear?  I feel guilty– like I’m not doing my share in this relationship.  What do you want from me?

–oh, trust.  right. 

In the deepest parts of me, I am afraid to give myself away.

238 Prayer

I wrote this prayer last week, on one of the last sunny days of the year. Sitting on a park bench, surrounded by yellow leaves, with my dog at my feet, a familiar number showed up when I checked the time: 2:38 p.m. I see this number daily , it seeks me out, it surprises me, it’s a “hello”, a reminder. From now on, I will say this prayer everytime 238 shows up.

Lord, I thank you in this moment:

For the opportunity to rest
For the opportunity to work

For the company of others
For solitude

For friendship with men and women
For friendship with animals, and all of your creation

For walks, bike rides, and long drives

For feelings
For thoughts

For today
For what happened yesterday
For what may happen tomorrow

For Your love, my love, and the love of others.

I thank you. Amen.

once upona time…

one of my favorite words is ‘unweildy’ because it is an awkward word that basically means awkward.
one of my favorite smiles is the run-to-catch-the-bus smile.

the end.

Come as you are….

I was late for ch-ch-ch-church two weeks ago. and i had on the clothes that I had worn the night before, which i had worn from the day before. and I thought… church is a place where you can just show up ‘as is,’ right? I tried I really did. But I ended up changing my outfit not just once, but twice before I left the house.  How can i be nonjudgmental of others as they come into the amazing presence of God, if I myself can’t be there a little smelly? I struggle. I strain.

RED EYE.

I think that’s what they are called. Well, I ordered one tonight. Result- I am WIDE awake. I contemplated being Keith Green as I wrote a song that aptly fits my life into the lives of alot of people out there, possibly Americans (or maybe western civilers) who want only a piece of God in order to fit in, or feel ‘right,’ with him. I wonder if I’ll ever let anyone see any of the songs I’ve written or if I’ll keep them tucked away in a pile on my ‘dining room’ table. And I wonder if I’ll ever have the guts to do the things that I’ve been wanting to do. I feel like a little skeleten of myself-half hearted sometimes, and the other half…. Even the Big Guy says you can’t be half…. be Whole. So, once again, I think I’ll drink up another glass of optomistic water, and the pessimists can go to (whispered)H-E-double hockey sticks.

and when i let the hornets go i ran inside and locked the door…

today i wondered how old the clouds were…

today i trapped two black hornets in my room and said “what are the chances?” like carmen would- loud and irratated…

today my throat feels like i swallowed a torch and i daydream about blowing smoke rings…

today i made a perfume on my lunch hour. vanilla pineapple kiwi cinnamon all together to make the perfect autumny smell. best three dollars and sevently five dollars i’ve ever spent…

today as i climb down from the top bunk i think about my women ancestors and hope i’m like they were at age 24. then ponder the origins of the bunk bed…

today when i get my class together- all sitting criss-cross applesauce with their hands folded gently in their laps, i whisper a prayer. some of them stare at me like unbelievers, and i like it…

today i pray to live. and apologized for always wanting it to be over and for wanting to travel through time so much…

today my brave move of the day was sitting next to the best looking person on the bus…

It’s begun.

I looked outside today and to somewhat of my dismay… the leaves on my Protector Tree are turning to gold, and some of them are already red. When did THIS happen? I mean I guess I want fall to be here. But I wasn’t ready for it to BE -E-E here.  It’s a long day of doing things that need to be done. I want it to be over.

madam tutli-pulti

How many of us will say, “Story of my Life!” ? 

Madam Tutli-Pulti.

Enjoy!

 

this miiiight have changed my life a little…

astonishing, huh?
mesmerizing, huh?

“my heart is pinching”